


Why?

by Luvstuckizzy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Cutting, Fluff, M/M, Pills, Sadness, Self Harm, it gets happier i promise
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-25
Updated: 2013-08-17
Packaged: 2017-12-21 08:17:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/898031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luvstuckizzy/pseuds/Luvstuckizzy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dirk gets hurt easily. Sometimes, he needs help, but he's afraid to ask.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Your name is Dirk Strider and you fucked up bad.

**Author's Note:**

> Anna told me to write this for her, so, here ya go Anna! OuO

Your name is Jake English and someone is texting you. Not Pesterchum? Wow this must be important.  
Dirk: Jake?  
Jake: Hello Strider!  
Dirk: Oh hey, I have something to tell you.   
Jake: Okay, shoot.   
Dirk: Okay, here goes nothing.   
Dirk: I've been liking you for a long time now.   
Jake: Hahahahahah! Jolly good joke Strider   
Dirk: ...   
Jake: Oh.   
Jake: Oh shit!   
Jake: I'm so sorry Dirk!!   
Jake: Dirk???   


Your name is Dirk Strider and you just fucked up big time. He thought you were fucking kidding. You walk into the bathroom and open the cabnit. You take a pill bottle out and walk back to your room. You open it up and swallow as many as you can before you black out. 

Your name is Dave Strider and for the first time in a long time, you get to come home early from a hard day at work. You write scripts and produce movies, most of them becoming hits, haha, not tryin to brag or nothin. You put the key in the lock and unlock it. You step inside. "Lil man you here?" You shout inside the house and close the front door. You walk down the hallway and knock on Dirk's door. It slowly opens. "Hey lil' ma- oh shit." You say and flash step over to him. You try shaking him awake. His heartbeat is slowing down by the second. You look over to see a spilled pill bottle on the ground. It reads: "DAVE STRIDER PENICILLIN VK 500 MG TABLET" Oh shit. You grab his phone off the table and dial 911. "Hello state your name and address what is your emergency." The lady says. You panic. "DAVE STRIDER YOU KNOW MY ADDRESS MY BROTHER OVERDOSED GET YOUR ASS OVER THERE" "Okay Sir calm down we're on our way please tell us what happened." "I work late ok and I came in he was passed out his heartbeat IS SLOWING DOWN you NEED to get your asses over hear before I litterally FLIP MY SHIT." After that you hear someone pull into the driveway. You carry Dirk outside and there's a stretcher outside of the ambulance. You softly sit him on it and rush into the ambulance. The stretcher comes in right after you.


	2. Overdosing on pills and Hospital bracelets.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave calls Dirk's friends from Dirk's phone and flies them over to the Hospital Dirk's in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah Anna where do you get these ideas they're fucking awesome. But yeah. IF SOMEONE OVERDOSES:  
> *DO NOT HESITATE TO CALL 911  
> *FUCKING CALL 911  
> If they do anything else to kill themselves:  
> *CALL 911  
> Always be safe. OuO

You stare at your 16 year old, unconscious, little brother. You hesitate before you grab his phone and look at his messages. You know, this isn't cool, but you won't hold anything against him if there's shitty smut or porn. You read the ones sent to Jake earlier. Oh shit. Before you know it, your calling Jake. "DIRK DIRK ARE YOU OKAY I'M SO SORRY." Jake shouts. "It uh, *sniffle*, it's Dave.. Dirk's bro." You say. Shit your crying. "Are you crying?" He asks. "Dirk tried to overdose." You say quickly. It takes a while for him to reply, but in a matter of seconds (it seemed like seconds) all Dirk's friends were in a FaceTime call with you. "Omgf is u criyin Dave!!!" Roxy says and gasps. You turn the phone around to show Dirk in the hospital bed, eyes still not opening. All three of them had their hands on their mouths. Roxy was the first to have a tear roll down her face, then at the same time, Jane and Jake did. "He uh, overdosed on penicillin." You say and sniffle. "Oh my god." Jane whispers. "Why?" She asks and wipes her tears. "Not sure yet." You say and glare at Jake. Jake holds his stomach and repeats "oh god." "Hey. How about I fly you guys out here." You say. They all jump at the chance.

It's been three days, Dirk isn't up, and the kids are running in the hospital. You have your shades off, and you've been crying for days. "DIR-" Jake says. He stops when he see's Dirk is the same way you left him. All three of them take a seat. 

Your Dirk again. Damn it. You lean over the side of the bed your sitting on and puke your damn brains out. The ladies come and ask you if your okay. "My throat feels like acid and I'm depressed, now I'm even more depressed because pills don't do the trick." You say and lean back. You stare at the ceiling. One of them stares at you. "Wait n-no I'm not in a hospital right? Fuck nonononono I need to go." You try to get up but you can't walk. "Sir please sit down we will get you physical and mental help, okay?" She says and smiles, then helps you onto your bed. You look to your left to see 4 blurry figures rush in your hospital room and everything gets blurry. You hear a beep getting faster and faster. "No no no no dirk stay with me please please please." You hear someone say and it sounds like they're crying oh shit it's bro. "His pills are kicking it and he might not make it." You hear a nurse say. "If he doesn't make it your getting your ass sued off." Bro bites back. Then, it all slows down and the pounding in your head calms down. Is that... Rox Jane and oh shit Jake? Nononono your just in hell or something right? You pull a nurse closer. "Where am I?" You ask. "Oh sweetie, your in the hospital okay? Just relax." She says. You lay back down. Bro comes over to you. "Are you... crying, Bro?" You ask. He just pulls you into a warm hug. "Excuse me, we need you to just leave the room for a few minutes." Bro looks like he's gonna get pissy but he takes a look at you, and then he leaves, followed by your friends. They're all still crying, why? And you noticed Bro isn't wearing his shades, woah. "Okay Dirk we would like to ask a few questions." She says. You nod slowly. "Is there anything that made you do this?" She asks. "None a your damn Buisness." You say. She nods slowly an writes something down. She's about to say something, but you interrupt her. "I just forgot to lock my door, an I regret putting them through all this, but, honey, it's the only way out." You say. She writes another thing down and smiles at you then walks out. You see her talk to Bro, and you instantly regret saying that. He rubs his eyes then nods at the lady. You don't like seeing him sad.  
Your name is Jake English and you like him too. You just, thought it was some evil prank to torture you. But he attempted suicide because of you. You walk into his hospital room, with two molten lava mini cakes in your hands. You shut the door with your foot and sit down in a chair next to Dirk's bed. He stares at you, no anime shades. "Dirk I'm so sorry." You say. "But I brought you cake." You say and sit the cakes down on the night stand. He smiles a little. "Thanks Jake." He says. "You might get out tomorrow, how about we talk then." You ask. He looks a little nervous. "Oh uh sure." He says.


	3. Worried Big Brothers and Pills

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk gets a check up and he regrets taking his friends with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg Anna I could write this all night and day you are amazing. Yes I see it as a high class hospital with big rooms and glass window walls.

Your Dirk again, and your sneaking around the hospital, aha, medical room, you open cabnits until you find Sleeping Pills. Your about to down the bottle until Jake goes past the room your in and looks right at you. "DIRK STOP" He says and runs to you you try to shove one in your mouth bit he takes it and shoves it in his pocket. He grabs the bottle from you and holds you close. You can't help but cry. Not cry, but you pretty much burst into tears. "Why can't you let me die Jake I don't WANT to live." You say and bury your face in his chest. "Please Dirk don't say that." He says and strokes your hair. "But sleeping pills would have done the trick." You say. "And that's why I'm glad I saw you." He says. Before you know it, he kisses your head. " Are you doing this because you pity me?" You ask. "No Dirk and don't think that." He says. You mutter "ok." He pulls away from you and wipes your tears. "How about we take you back to your room?" He asks. You slipped the sleeping pill out of his pocket during the hug, oh god your a horrible friend. You nod and he stares at your hand. He pats his pockets. Oh shit he knows. You try forcing it in your mouth but damn he's too fast WHY GOD WHY PLEASE JUST KILL ME. "No." You say and reach for the bottle but he sweeps you up bridal style and puts your head in the crook of his neck. Before you know, your crying. He's stroking your hair again. "Sorry Jake." You say. "Shhh no need to be." He says and opens the door to your hospital room. He lays you down and tucks you in. Nurses come rushing from the medical room and checking to see what happened. Jake didn't say a word, but the cameras did. Of course they told Bro and you wish they hadn't. You just want out of here. You really do. You slowly drift to sleep.   
You wake up around 7:35 A.M.,or at least that's what the clock on the wall says. "Hey Lil' Man, they say you can come home. But your under Suicide Watch and if you get too bad, we gotta take you back here. But hey maybe you and I can just go get some food together? And your friends can watch a movie?" Bro say and smiles at you. You nod and smile too. He hands you your clothes and you walk behind a curtain. Nurses don't trust you in locked rooms by yourself, you don't blame em', you don't think you trust yourself either. You slip your skinny jeans and your hat muscle shirt. Woah, you look in the mirror. You've lost some weight and your a little pale. You slip on your shades and walk out of behind the curtain with the mirror in it. Fancy ass place. "Hey Bro I'm ready." You say and grab you phone on the way out of the hospital. He nods and you and your friends follow him out to the truck. Roxy sits in the front and you Jane and Jake squish in the back seat. Your squished against Jake. You like him. A lot. "Dirk he doesn't like you kill yourself he just feels bad because you attempted suicide." The voices in your head say. You hit your head with your palm. "Hey you okay?" He whispers. "Huh? N- Yeah fine why?" You say back. He just nods and gives you a smile. Shit. It makes your heart leap.


	4. Cute boys and Arby's Play Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cute workers who flirt with Dirk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omgf yes I love this.

Bro takes you guys to Arby's. You order a medium roast beef sandwich and curly fries. They all order the same thing. But when you notice the cute dude taking your order is totally checking you out, so you lean on the counter a little. "5 Medium roast beefs, 5 Mozzarella stick orders," He says but then turns to you "Free curly fries for all of you and you get a free phone number." He says and smiles at you. You smirk. In te corner of your eyes you see Jake freak the fuck out. "Okay that's nice! Let's go find a table, eh Dirk?" Jake says to you. "Kay." You say and follow him to a table. You sit across from Jake and Roxy sits across from Jane. Bro sits at the table next to you. "Omg Dirky!!! He waz hittin on yous!!! Are you gonna date hem??" Roxy says to you. "Nah I don't think so, I mean he's cute an' all but not really my type." You say and smirk. Soon the guys comes back with your food and slips you a receipt. A number is written on it. Then he walks away. You look down at your food. "Dirk don't eat that your fat enough eww if you want Jake then don't eat that." The voices say. "Your okay, right?" Jake asks and smiles softly at you. "Oh yeah." You say and smile back at him. No stop Striders don't smile WHAT IS IN HIM THAT MAKES YOU SMILE. You eat a mozzarella stick but immediately your stomach hurts. You feel like your gonna puke. Your run into the bathroom and barf in the toilet. You hear Jake come in after you. "Dirk?" He says. "Yeah, no, 'm fine, sorry." You walk out with him. Yeah maybe being at the hospital was a little better then puking up really good delicious food. You give Jake your food. "Hey guyz how bout we go to that kid play thig and scare them off so we can hav et to ourselvezzz?" Roxy says. "Sure I'll be there in a minute." You say. They nod and they all run off. You sit at the table with Bro. "Hey Bro." You say. "Hey Lil' man. Can we talk?" He says. "Yeah yeah of course." You say and nod. "You uh doing okay?" He asks. "Yeah, what about you?" You ask. Instead of an answer he pulls you out of the chair and into a tight hug, you hug him too.


	5. Sawtooth and Presents.

Your name is Dirk Strider and your puking your brains out in the toilet. You've been home from Arby's for a few hours. Jane and Roxy are asleep in the guest room and Jake is sleeping on the futon, you told him to sleep in your bed and you'd take the futon but he denied. Bro had to go to work. It kind of makes you sad, but, it's life. You get up from kneeling by the toilet and your shaking. You just barely make it and collapse on the bed. You curl under blankets you are never, ever, going to leave this spot.  
Your still Dirk and yOU'RE LEAVING THIS SPOT RIGHT NOW. You run to the toilet and it feels like your puking up all the food you ever ate. You look at the clock above Ruhr mirror, 6:37. You walk back into your room, and slowly drift asleep.   
Your Jake, it's 8:42 and your opening the door for Dirk's Bro. "Shh I got him a puppy. Tell em' and I'll slit your throat." He says and walks in with the fluffiest little puppy you've ever seen. "Aww it's so cute!" You say and pet it. He smirks. You hear footsteps and Bro steps outside again. "Good morning Dirk!" You say and smile. He smirks. "Hey Jake, mornin'." He says. Roxy and Jane are the last ones to get up. Then, Dave walks in again.  
Your Bro walks in with a really fluffy thin in his ar- That's a fuckin puppy. "Hey Dirk got ya somethin'." He says and puts it in your arms. "Well it's a really damn fluffy baby husky." He says. "The fuck oh my God Bro it's the fluffiest little shit I ever saw, thank you." You say. "No prob lil man." He says. "Alright well, I'll be back later." He says. You wave. "HOLY SHIT DIRKY THAT'S THE CUTEST THINGGGGGG U SHOULD NAM IT SAWTOOTH!!" Roxy says and nuzzles the dog. "Hell yeah." You say. Sawtooth is a badass name. Hell. Fucking. Yes.


	6. A Million Cakes and Panic Attacks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane bakes tons of cakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I know this is the first time Jane is saying something but Anna never knew what she should say.

Your Jake and Dirk and Roxy are sitting on the couch with you. Sawtooth is curled up between Roxy and Dirk. It's really fucking cute like holy shit. "Guys foods done!!" Jane calls out. You smell something... Is that.... Cake? Oh Golly Jane. The three of you get up and walk into the kitchen. Oh golly indeed.  
Your Dirk and holy shit it's cake galore up in this place. "Woah Hun thanks." You say to Jane and grab a slice of cake. "No problem guys! Hope you like it!" She says. "Damn this shit is amazin'." You say and shove a fork full of vanilla iced cake. "Dirk ur texans showinnnn" Roxy says and grabs the bag of icing and a whole cake. "Aw shit where?" You ask and smile. WHY ARE YOU EATING THAT SPIT IT OUT NOW. God these voices don't ever stop do they. Your starting to give in to them. But with cake? You gotta stay strong. Jake smiles and grabs a slice. "Mobie nightttt? Pff *Movieee" Roxy says. "Sure. Sound good?" You ask. Jane and Jake smile and nod. Roxy and Jake walk out but Jane puts a hand on your shoulder and you turn around. "Your.. Better, right?" She asks. "Oh yeah yeah 'm fine." You say. She gives you that i-know-your-lying-and-if-you-don't-tell-the-truth-I'll-cut-you-bitch look. "Okay I'm getting better." You say. She smiles and says "Okay."  
You fall asleep on Jake a few times during the movie until you realize what your doing and fall asleep on Roxy instead. Roxy pets your hair. Jake must've known what happened because he sighed. Roxy and Jane were getting tired so they moved to the guest room, Jake quietly walked to the futon and you stumbled into your room and fell onto your bed. You fall asleep. You don't know how long you were out but when you get up your running into the bathroom and puking. Oh God is something wrong with you? Are the pills working? Your vision gets blurry and your shaking all over. Oh God another panic attack and a mental breakdown. Your crying and you don't know how loud but Jake comes running into the bathroom and he wraps his arms around you. Your being helped onto the futon. "Dirk!" It sounds distant. It feels like days, but you're done shaking. Your face is buried into the futon, it smells like Jake. Axe body wash and cologne. You inhale again and then turn on your side. "Dirk thank God!" Jake says. "I was just about to get Roxy and Jane!" Jake says. "Oh no please don't tell them." You say and sit up. "Take it easy and why Dirk?" He says. "I don't want anyone worryin'." You say. "What was that?" Jake asked. "What was what?" You ask. He knows you know what he meant. You look at him. Glassy green eyes like he might cry. "Oh no don't cry it was a full blown panic attack and a mental breakdown." You say. It sounds worse than you meant it to. "He just sits down with you on the futon and rubs circles into your back. "Thanks Jake." You say. He just hugs you.


	7. Explanations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake questions Dirk on how he really is at the moment no sugar coating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shits going down. But yeah for me mental breakdowns and full blown panic attacks are just like I described it in the story.

You feel like you NOW stay here forever. He stops rubbing circles in your back. "Dirk do you need to go back to the hospital?" It seemed more like a statement than a question. "Jake." You say. "Why the fucking HELL didn't you tell me?" He asks and you both sit up and stare at eachother. "I mean let's have fun while we can??? Let's try to stop ruining lives by stating your medical and health ups and downs???" You say. "Dirk please, you don't ruin anything. Stay here I'll get the thermometer." He says and walks to the bathroom. Goddamn it why does he have to care so much. He comes back to you and puts the thermometer under your tongue. He keeps his hand under your jaw to keep your eyes locked on his and the thermometer in place. You forgot your shades were still lying in the bathroom. Damn it. Damn. His eyes are really green. Like trees. No wonder he belongs in the wild. He fits in it so well. But you want him here, with his hands on your face, and both of you on the futon. Damn that sounded wrong. "110. You need some med-" He says but stops. He doesn't trust you with medicine. You just nod and look down. He sighs. "Has your Bro ever seen you have an attack and breakdown?" He asks. "Yeah he would just give me a blanket and that's all I remember. I don't remember much about stuff like that. But he wasn't home a lot so I would just stick it out. They felt like the world was breaking. Voices sounded drowned. Your heartbeat sounded like it was screaming at you. I curled up. I'd pull on my hair. And couldn't stop thing about how dumb stupid ugly fat and horrible I was. All I could think about was killing myself and running away. All I really wanted was something to hang on to, ya know?" It all poured out of your mouth before you could stop. He looked at you like you were important. That's the first.


	8. Did you text him?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake keeps the conversation going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahahha sorry cuties I've been having a hard time... ;n;

"So did you uh text that guy from Arby's?" He asks and scratches his neck nervously. "No. Not really my type I guess." You say and curl up next to him. He nods and puts his arms around you then kisses your forehead. "Jake please-" Your cut off. "Shut your damn mouth if it was for pity there would be me tugging down your pants already okay?" He says. You smirk. You both have your glasses off. He smiles and presses his forehead against yours. Then you see a flash of worriness and guilt in his eyes. "Dirk, are you okay though?" He asks. You get nervous because your far from okay. "You have a doctors appointment tomorrow. Oh. Shit. No your arms your arms your arms your arms. "Okay. Bro and everyone going?" You ask. "Yes." He says. "Kay." You say. Your glad your good at hiding nervousness if you weren't you'd be screaming. Tell them to stay outside then bribe the doctor. Hah yes. Got it.


	9. Roxy's Make-up and Dirk's Lies.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk get's into Roxy's make-up and decides to cover up his cuts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feelingssss

You step out of the shower but keep it on. You don't want them knowing your using Roxy's makeup. You take out her concealer and rub it on both your arms. Her skin is just a little darker than yours because she tabs. Your style your hair, turn off the shower, make sure everything is back in place, then slip on some skinny jeans, a hat t-shirt, and your orange jacket. When you're done, you open then bathroom door and walk out. "Alright I'm rea- oh hey bro." You say. "Hey Lil' man the kids are in the car, c'mon." He leads you outside and into the truck, where your squished next to Jake. Your a little nervous. Scratch that. Your REALLY FUCKING NERVOUS. Jake puts a hand on your shoulder and smiles. You smile too.  
Within 15 minutes you arrive at the doctors office. A peppy nurse says your name. When your walking to the doctor's room she stops you. "Now. How your are mentally and physically. Please, anyone other than Dirk, sit outside this room. And Dirk, please hand me you're sunglasses. Doctor's orders." She says and smiles. You slip off your shades and hand her them. Now the doctor can see right through you. Smart little shits. Bro looks pissed but he still sits down in between Roxy and Jane. You go into the room and sit on a chair. "Oh hello Dirk!" Ben says. "Sup Doc." You say. "So. How are you Dirk?" He asks. "Good, you?" You say. He stares at you. "No. How ARE you? Because we all sure as Hell know you, of all people, are not okay." He says. You stay quiet.  
He ran a few tests on you. He comes back out. "Dirk. If you puke or any problem again tell Dave. This is serious. But you can get a break. Okay Dirk, and here's your jacket back." He says and hands you your jacket. You slip it on. "Does your brother know that you've been having problems lately?" He asks. You shake your head no. He gives you a look and then nods. Hopefully he won't tell Bro.


End file.
